Warning: This post was written under the influence of the depression that owns my soul.

This has not been a good month. It seems like everything has gone wrong, from problems with an old friend to two overdrawals (neither of which were entirely my fault) to academic anxiety to evil babysittees to the return of my manic-depression to at least three breakdowns.

My mom wants me to go on medication. My friends want me to go to counseling. I would sooner start lying to my parents and avoiding my friends than do either. I couldn't wait to go home; now I realize that I've told my mom too much and she's worried sick about me, and she can't treat me like a normal person. So much for the mother-daughter bonding time I was looking forward to... now I'm a mental patient. And Dad, according to her, is worried and believes there's something "under the surface" that I'm just not telling them. I have to ask -- with everything I've told them has gone wrong this semester, what more do they expect?

There's nothing to look forward to for the rest of the year... except, of course, Christmas break, spring break, and summer, but even those are kind of tentative. Christmas break will be interesting at best -- my cousins don't live in NH anymore, and putting me and my grandmother in a house together always is, because although she apparently respects my morals or something like that, she just doesn't seem to like me. I have plans to go to Ireland over spring break, but I don't think it will happen. I have plans to go to Italy during the summer, but again, I don't think it will happen. All I'm really looking forward to -- weirdly enough -- is Roz's wedding and her possible visit.

Oh, and finishing this semester and moving on to the next crappy wave of classes. Yay.

I've made a few new friends this semester, like Ian and Hillary; I've gotten to know a few old friends a bit better, like Shea; I've gotten a few jobs; nonetheless, my overwhelming impression of this semester so far is one of angst and paranoia. I don't want to go back to AU, but I don't want to stay in Elizabeth City, either. It's quite a change from my last visit home, when I would have been happy with either.

I'm tired and sick all the time, mentally and physically. I know I've been no fun whatsoever to be around since a week and a half into the semester, when things started falling apart. I'm questioning all my friendships and I've come to the conclusion that only one or two are worth anything, and I have no idea why my friends are still hanging around with me. Every time I'm around Adam or Ash I'm just wondering what's wrong with me, and I know I'm boring/annoying Adam and possibly Ash as well. I wish I could take this entire month and a half back and spend an additional month and a half in bed.

I need to do something to remind me of why I like DC, of why I like EC, but I can't think of anything I like in either place anymore.

I wish I could just take a year off... but I know I'd never come back.