This is a tale of mystery and terror... and it ends with the MPD.

First, a quote from Macro on Thursday... I include these because I know you've come to expect them. Here goes:

"You know, if you want to have a good sex life, here's a great toothpaste!"

Second, a prof brought in a speaker who revealed to us that, based on a study on rehab and prison time that he'd conducted, Steelers fans are more likely to favor prison without rehab. That's right, folks... Steelers are tough on crime. This presentation came complete with pretty bar graphs, and it made my day.

And third, you're about to read the disturbing story of two little girls' Saturdays, rife with hysteria, amusement, and pain.

It started out at the Tenleytown metro station, where Ashley -- a good, decent person who does not deserve the crap she goes through -- found that her $5 transaction was being denied. Now, Ashley worked like a madwoman all summer; every time she called me, she was driving home from a day of dealing with really stupid people who said things like "I don't trust the quality of y'all's black women!"

Because of this, Ashley returned to school with money like whoa, and the idea that she had no money caused her an understandable amount of pain. Apparently, her bank had screwed up all her deposits since the school year began... and she was massively overdrawn.

I put $5 on her SmartTrip using my credit card, and we moved on. (Things that will be important later will be in bold.)Despite this misfortune, we merrily ran off and amused ourselves and later got together with Adam and the lovely Caroline. I tried to put some more money on Ash's SmartTrip, and my transaction was denied. I flipped out and called Wachovia to confirm that I actually had something in there -- which I did, so I was left confused. Since neither of us were negative just yet, it was okay, and we decided to try our luck later, since no doubt it was just a problem with the machine -- right? Right?

At 6:45ish, Ash and I left the Adam's Family (hahaha! no, seriously!), because I had to work at 7:30 and we were all the way in Dupont. We got down to the metro and, as I went to put money on our SmartTrips, praying that everything would be okay since we actually were negative and needed this money to get home -- I discovered that my card STILL WASN'T WORKING!

I went over to talk to the station manager, who, by the way, may well have been the rudest man ever -- and he informed us of a little rule. Would you like to guess what that rule is? You don't have to. I'll tell you! People can only use their credit cards to add money to their SmartTrip cards once a day.

If you're paying attention, you'll know that I already used mine to add money to Ash's.

*cue blind terror and panic*

We stumbled blindly out of the metro (it was now 7:15 - did I mention the work at 7:30?) and started wandering down Mass Ave in search of a bus. We found nothing.

We tried to hail a cab, but the only cab that takes credit cards operates only in Bethesda.

In despair, we turned around and headed back to the metro... ...TO BEG FOR CHANGE.

Dear Lord. I'm a sophomore in college at a $40K a year school, wandering around in business shirts with a cell phone and a digital camera. And there I was... begging for change.

Ash had a little run-in with a homeless man... he asked us if we could spare some change, and she -- again, being such a decent person that she can't just walk by -- tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Sorry, sir -- same situation!"

Did I mention that she was wearing a $80 puma jacket and his only abode was the space under his ratty umbrella?

So, having offended this poor homeless man -- on whose turf we were no doubt infringing -- we made fifty-five cents and decided we couldn't stand the humiliation anymore. Finally, we started walking the other way on Mass in a naive search for another bus stop.

This is where the night got a little better.

Ash noticed a couple of cop cars and wandered over to ask advice. After asking her a few brief questions to ensure that she wasn't drunk or high, one of them offered to give us a ride since AU is in his district. We piled in with breathless thank-you's and prepared for a very interesting experience.

First off, cops are crazy. He accelerated from 0 to 50 in a matter of seconds on a rain-slicked 35 mph road... Ash and I could literally feel the car sliding. Worst of all, I had to keep repressing the urge to say "Wow, you drive like me!"

Then a taxi cut us off. The cop cursed, flipping on his lights, pulled the guy over, and yelled at him. This was emotional vindication for every time a taxi has ever cut me off, and because I suspect many of you will feel the same way, I took a picture.


I had to be very stealth while taking this, and immediately afterwards he turned around and I had to hide it in my bag while smiling brightly.

He dropped us off in front of Hughes... we couldn't open our own doors, because it was a cop car, so we had to roll down the windows and grope for the handle.

I rushed home, frantic to get to work (for which I was an hour late)... only to find that, after all, I wasn't supposed to start until the next shift. Yay!

Tired but wiser...