8.03.2005

If corporations really were teams, the people who used phrases like "team member" and "team spirit" would be picked last.

A friend and I went to the Norfolk airport today, but, because business must always be mixed with pleasure, we stopped in Target. (Yes, I finally caved and bought season three of Alias. I'm preparing myself for a Victor Garber fest in the very near future.) While there, I noticed a door marked "Team Members Only."

...Team members?

Okay, I concede: You wear little uniforms. You have a mascot (if a big red ball can be considered a mascot.) This does not make you a team. The word "team" implies a group of talented people pursuing a common goal in a positive environment; let's poll the employees. Do you get pep talks from your managers? No -- you get threats from your managers. Do you have a common goal? No -- you all want money for yourselves, corporation be screwed. Are you valued for your individual skills, and are you committed to using them to advance the "team"? No -- chances are that you're making minimum wage at a crappy summer job you will be happy to abandon when college/school resumes, or that you're stuck in a dead-end job you'd sell your right arm to escape.

I really hate hip business lingo.

My mom is a medical transcriptionist... excuse me, on the medical records "team." Recently, the hospital director's husband said her department's air conditioner looked "tacky," and the director, in response, ordered that it be taken out, without replacing it. It's August, folks. We're in the South. You do the math: does team spirit lift my mom up where she belongs?

If you answered yes, I see a promising career for you as the person who designs those glossy posters with eagle pictures and cliches. Congratulations; you'll have more car trouble than the average American, and you'll never figure out that your coworkers are sabotaging your Dodge as petty revenge for having to suffer conversations with you.

Life goal: To land a permanent career that does not involve uniforms, mascots, teams, or inspiring posters... unless these posters are enjoying a happy relationship with Mr. Lighter Fluid that will regrettably be cut short by the jealous Mr. Sparkler.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're just jealous that you got picked last for Target's employment team.

Anonymous said...

I just started Alias Season 3 this weekend. I hate Vaughn. I hate him with an irrational hatred that should not exist for fictional characters.

What a jerk.